Fleeting...so fleeting
Ideas of how things should be
Never as expected
But...
Look in the creases and there is beauty
So hard to see at first
Our plans were not better
They would never have caused us to
Surrender...
Trust...
Grow...
Find joy...
Cling to joy...
Love harder...
In any sustaining way that is
He knows the fabric of our being
He made the fabric of our being
He comforts in the darkest of times
He consumes our hearts
He cries with us
He holds us close
He is working for our good...
For His glory...
He is faithful...
His plan is the best plan

Seeds
Scattered yes, but by design
They fall to dry ground
They sit waiting
So much potential
Rain will come
At just the right time
I wait
I wait on my maker
This is His design
Oh how hard...
Have patience...
Have patience...
Have patience...
It will rain
If He wills

One Year

What is there to say?
I'm grieving, there is sorrow in my heart, it feels unnatural, I wish it were different.
I allow myself to feel deeply.
I cry.
I wail.
I weep.
I talk about it so it doesn't bottle up when I feel like it's bottling up.
It's sad, it's uncomfortable, it's painful.
I don't like change, especially the permanent kind.
We can't go back. That's one of the hardest things to accept.

So I remember.
The good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
I mourn what never was.
But in all this, I have hope.
My God allowed him to die.
My God is working all things for good.
My God never said it wouldn't be painful.
My God has not left me.
My God loves me.
I can see that more deeply now.
I can trust my God.                                                                                
I can find comfort in my God.
I can draw near to my God.                                                       

Yes, I struggle, because the pain is so deep.
But it makes me stronger, more trusting, more vulnerable, a more compassionate person.
Each day is a choice to let God refine me or not.
To allow the grief to be useful or not.
When I choose God my perspective is broadened, my understanding deeper.
When I ignore God I become self serving, self centered, self....self....self.
When I make that choice all I want to do is wash it off, take off my skin.
It's insatiable, heavy, gross.

When I choose God I'm content. I have more to give, more love to pour out, peace.
I have gone through several deep losses.

After one loss, I did not choose wisely at first.
Getting through was longer, uglier, so difficult.
But I learned.
I had support.
People praying.
My God was waiting.
Eventually I turned and trusted my God.
And I began to heal.

This loss, I trusted.
Gods plan is the best plan.
I don't know why it was time for my dad.
I don't have to know.
That's not to say I don't want to know.
But it isn't necessary.
Trust is necessary.

My biggest lessons from my loss.
God is my Father.
I am his daughter.
He is my dads father.
He is his son.
We don't unjustly hurt our children.
God made us that way.
We are his children.
He does not unjustly hurt us.
He always loves us.

He is infinitely wiser than me.
I cannot pretend to know what he is doing.
I cannot pretend to know why.
I can trust.
He can be trusted.

He is my God.


Photo taken by my dad at Nimisila in 2008

haste makes waste

"Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting, but it is not an emergency." ~Ann Voskamp

how many times did i hear my mom tell me "haste makes waste". it took me years and years to understand this...granted she probably started telling me the day i learned to walk. once i got it it really stuck with me...when i can manage to remember it. ha! yes, remembering, one of the hardest things for me. i have struggled everyday since i've started this journey of gratitude to remember that i'm on it. taking photos helps, it slows me, forces me to see the little things that would normally blur by and make no impression on me. concrete reminders of life are good...they help me stay alert to God's gifts.

why do we move so fast. where are we really rushing to. how can we forget that slow feels so good. Ann Voskamp said "Emergencies are sudden, unexpected events -- but is anything under the sun unexpected to God?...Stay calm, enter the moment, give thanks."

-look up! 
-full compost container...gives future life
-seedlings reaching for the sun
-tiny flowers peeking out from under the fence...so easy to miss

hammer. hammer. hammer. practice. practice. practice.

seeing God in the mess

"You have to want to see the well before you can drink from it. You have to want to see joy, God in the moment" ~Ann Voskamp

(reference Genesis 21:15-19)

seeing God in the mess...it's hard...looking for "ugly-grace" and "all-is-well grace" 

i'm so tired, all i want to do is put her down and sleep/cry...getting to comfort and rock my sweet girl.

...

parts of life just feel like they are falling apart and it's out of my control...God is refining me.

...

dirty sandals on a white chair...t thinks he did a good job by "putting them away"

...

i have had 2 miscarriages...my lost babies are in heaven with their Godly Father.

...

boogers, poopy diapers, poop on my hands...etc...i have 2 healthy children

...

t's a-tonal "yell/screaming"...he's singing songs of joy

...

toys everywhere...t's imagination at work
...
literal mess after mess...we are living and learning to do life together

it is possible to find beauty in the seemingly ugly...it's about our perspective and desire to see God's grace in all things. i fail to see the good in the mess hourly...i need to want to see the joy in order to see the joy.

practice. practice. practice. hammer. hammer. hammer.

rise up

rise up 

    and choose

        a different journey

rise up 
    and be
        grateful for what has been given 

rise up
    and see
        gift in what appears ugly

rise up

    and move

        to a place of healing

rise up 
    and learn
        how to move forward

rise up 
    and acknowledge 
        the One who won't betray

rise up 
    and know 
        you are cared for

rise up 
    and rest
        for you are not alone

rise up
    and live
        a whole life anew

slow down

"Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.

But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. Turns out I was throwing it away." ~ Mark Buchanan

16. sound of rain

17. rolling thunder

18. laying in bed with my kids

...

71. sharing experiences

...

89. looking out the window with t

...

106. time to read

...

116. shoes lined up big and tiny

...

118. husband doing dishes

119. t's tinker toy creations

practice. practice. practice. hammer. hammer. hammer.

slow. slow. slow.