One Year

What is there to say?
I'm grieving, there is sorrow in my heart, it feels unnatural, I wish it were different.
I allow myself to feel deeply.
I cry.
I wail.
I weep.
I talk about it so it doesn't bottle up when I feel like it's bottling up.
It's sad, it's uncomfortable, it's painful.
I don't like change, especially the permanent kind.
We can't go back. That's one of the hardest things to accept.

So I remember.
The good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
I mourn what never was.
But in all this, I have hope.
My God allowed him to die.
My God is working all things for good.
My God never said it wouldn't be painful.
My God has not left me.
My God loves me.
I can see that more deeply now.
I can trust my God.                                                                                
I can find comfort in my God.
I can draw near to my God.                                                       

Yes, I struggle, because the pain is so deep.
But it makes me stronger, more trusting, more vulnerable, a more compassionate person.
Each day is a choice to let God refine me or not.
To allow the grief to be useful or not.
When I choose God my perspective is broadened, my understanding deeper.
When I ignore God I become self serving, self centered, self....self....self.
When I make that choice all I want to do is wash it off, take off my skin.
It's insatiable, heavy, gross.

When I choose God I'm content. I have more to give, more love to pour out, peace.
I have gone through several deep losses.

After one loss, I did not choose wisely at first.
Getting through was longer, uglier, so difficult.
But I learned.
I had support.
People praying.
My God was waiting.
Eventually I turned and trusted my God.
And I began to heal.

This loss, I trusted.
Gods plan is the best plan.
I don't know why it was time for my dad.
I don't have to know.
That's not to say I don't want to know.
But it isn't necessary.
Trust is necessary.

My biggest lessons from my loss.
God is my Father.
I am his daughter.
He is my dads father.
He is his son.
We don't unjustly hurt our children.
God made us that way.
We are his children.
He does not unjustly hurt us.
He always loves us.

He is infinitely wiser than me.
I cannot pretend to know what he is doing.
I cannot pretend to know why.
I can trust.
He can be trusted.

He is my God.


Photo taken by my dad at Nimisila in 2008